Faced up to one thing I've been dreading for a loooong time...

and I'm a better person for it.

Those who know me, know that I don't hate alot of people. It's hard for me to do that. I still try to see the good in everyone and sometimes that bites me in the ass. Well I cant say that I ever hated this person ( I wont name names because that's just not nice, we'll just address this person as X from here on in). I still don't, I just don't like how X treated our friendship.

I think X took me for granted. For the first years of our friendship it was amazing, we were the closest 2 people could be. Then I don't know what happened... The friendship was beginning to feel very one sided. I felt like I was constantly bailing X out of something. X was constantly putting themselves in situations where I would have to lie for them and I really don't like doing that. If you have to hide text messages from your significant other and go out with me so you can see someone else then it's not really on the up and up.... I hated being the "chaperon" because it was obvious why I was there and not only to me but to everyone.It was embarrassing but I sucked it up and did it anyways. Great fun for me (*sarcasm*), Third wheel much?!?  Life is about choices and I was just not into the choices X was making toward the end of the friendship. It was making me very uncomfortable and X didn't really care. It was like mental masochism for me. I know I shouldn't be supporting it but I'm still standing there watching it happen. When I did voice my concerns, I was made out to be the bad person. Its harmless you said. If its harmless then your partner would be there "hanging out" and not me. The other person was never going to drop all the others and run away with you. I know it's mean to say but there was no "spiritual connection" unless that connection was attached to their genitals.

So why maintain this relationship? Well I didn't really have a choice. It was one of those things where daily interactions were a must and unavoidable. We have a lot of mutual friends and many of the same interests. When I went on maternity leave I could hole myself in my house and not worry about the awkward moment where I would have to see X again. I didn't know how either of us would react.

But..

we did have so much history between us that we couldn't be mean to each other... could we? I know I said things that were mean spirited but I was hurt and it was a knee jerk reaction. I was tired, mentally and physically exhausted and not in a good place. I'm not excusing my actions, I was wrong for it and I admit it. But X said the same, if not worse of me to other people and it got back to me. How was that supposed to make me feel? It wasn't even what was said, it was that the person who I thought was, wasn't. I felt wasted. A wasted friendship and years of my life gone supporting a person who I thought was the truest of people just blew up in my face. I felt betrayed. Would all the good times and misery we went through together be enough to get through the bad feelings? I had to face it eventually..
so why not today?

I saw X.

We passed by at first and I wasn't sure if I was ready.
We had to pass each other again.... Was I ready?
Yup.
I had to be.
It's now or never right?
My heart was beating a mile a minute as I walked over....
"hi X" with a smile at that too!(nonchalantly but making it purposeful)
"hi." faked smile, no emotion.

OK I get it, Ill go now.
I guess it is what it is, right?
Wow, that was awkward.

But I did it.

I made the first move and a sincere one.
I even brought the bub for X to meet but X didn't seem interested so we left. I said hi to the others there and then left.

Oddly enough. I'm OK with what transpired.
The ball is in X's court now.
My mind is cleared and I did what I needed to do
I feel like a new person.
A better one, with a weight off her shoulders.

I know who I really need in my life and who I don't.
That's more prevalent now more than ever.
I have the same solid people in my life and always have. These special bunch have never left me. Some  of I don't even see or speak as much as I would like to, I've never worried if they would still be there if _(insert whatever decision here)_. No matter what I did, what choices I made, they would be there to support me. The love I have in those relationships are all I've ever needed it just took me a long time to realize it.

I posted this article about  30 things to stop doing to yourself (read it here )quite a while ago and I go back to it every once in a while for a dose of inspiration.

Number 1 is:
Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

-How true is that?!? Since being on this leave, you get to think alot. About life, love, friendships. I take more things to heart and different things matter to me. This is one of them. I'm at a point in my life where my friendships are about quality and not quantity. Sure I still have many acquaintances but I believe if someone really wants to be my friend they'll work at it just as hard as I will.

Number 6 is
Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

-I cant hold on to the way it used to be because that's not how it is now. Things change, people change that's life. Move forward because the past is the past. No sense in trying to change it, you cant.

Number 15 is
Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

-This is a huge Mommy problem! Stop judging how everyone else parents and mind your own kid. As long as that kid is happy, healthy and learning we have no right to tell them what best.

Those are a just a few that have really hit home lately.

Everyone is in pursuit of Happiness and it's a process...
but I think I made some progress today.
:)

Me and the little bub today. I can't believe he's 9 months already!

I just love this picture.

9 Months huh?

So little Jack is now 9 months old.
I can't believe it.
It's gone by so quickly.
I know people always say that but it's true and I can truly appreciate that.
He's almost walking now. A few wobbly steps here and there and then a bum plant. But then a few seconds later, he's up and at it again. I cant believe that hes going to be more mobile, he's already a handful! Anything folded will not be after 2 mins. Anything put away will be in the middle of the floor. Oh and naps? What are those? He doesn't want to sleep anymore...

This year has been a roller coaster.

 I'm overjoyed that we now have Jack in our arms (well for as long as he can stand it because he's a squirmy little bub) We've grown extremely close to some people and are happier because of it. There's also been a lot of downs too. Hubby is still struggling to find a decent job and is getting more and more frustrated. All he wants to do is support his family and no one seems to want to give him a chance. We've heard of alot of "you're just too overqualified"... I mean what the heck is that about? He still has his job at the Ice factory but it's wearing thin on him and me for that matter too. How can you go into a job everyday that you hate? Oh yeah, you have bills to pay. So it's been tough.

I'm trying to start a catering business. Just a side thing, unless it turns into more. Then maybe I leave the retail game altogether, which would be nice. Don't get me wrong, I loved my job. But AW is closing and not for me anymore. I'm not even sure if I have a job to go back to. I'm probably just going to get bought out. Nutty, the only thing I've ever known I might not go back to.

Being a mother is the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. Although I have been noticing ALOT of the other mom's being judgemental.
I mean, he's not your kid. Lay off.
No I didn't breast feed and I don't have to justify it to you. Yes I started him on solids at 4 months and no I don't think it was too early. It was our doctor that recommended us to. No I don't cloth diaper and yes I am worried about the earth and the health that he will grow up in. Cloth diapers just don't do it for us. Sorry if freak out a bit if he draws blood, my baby hurt himself! No he doesn't sleep through the night yet without a feeding or a pacifier...etc.
Can't we all just be happy that our kids are happy and healthy?
There is no one right way to parent. As parents, WE decide whats best for our children and others
 should respect that. I don't tell them how to parent, do I?


The only problem with being a mom is that you are a mom 24/7 and you start to lose yourself in the "mommyhood". You forget about your needs because you feel guilty for doing anything for yourself...It should be all about the baby. Well guess what? Baby needs a happy mom. If it means dropping of the bub at the grandparents for a few hours, do it. If daddy needs to be Mr. Mom for a night, let him do it. We as mothers need to take time to rediscover ourselves. Not necessarily go back to who we were before baby because lets face it, its not the same. We are different people. But we dont have to be a just a mom. We are much more than that. A mom, a wife/girlfriend, a friend, a daughter, and most importantly human.

Remember you deserve to be happy. Now you just have to believe it.

I know it's normal but...

Have you ever had that looming sense of "it's just not enough?".  

"It" can mean may things... money, groceries, fulfilment, love, the list goes on... Lately, that's been me. I've been feeling I'm lacking something. What that something is, I don't know. Call it mommy blues, post part um or whatever. I feel like I've lost and gained so much in this past year it's mind bowing. Friends gone, job soon to be gone, old apartment gone. New baby, new opportunities, new house. So many things just all at once. I feel a bit overwhelmed. OK more than a bit.

Now everyone says it's normal... 

to get a bit down on yourself and have a bad stint. 

Having a baby is a huge life change and I understand that. But am I so far removed from my old life that all I can relate to is other new moms and creative diaper changes? I forever am feeling like I'm being judged and looked down upon by other mothers. I sometimes feel inadequate as a mother, wife and a person. Maybe it's my high school self esteem issues coming back into play or the sheer exhaustion but WOW... I feel like I'm being thrown in the ringer repeatedly. I know  being a mom changes you, but can I ever be my old self again?  What happened to that self assured, confident happy go lucky girl that existed not that long ago? Is she still there hidden beneath 15lbs of baby weight, ponytail and under eye circles? I hope so. I just need to find her again.

Wow... things be a changing!

So Jack is now *almost* 8 months old.
I haven't been by here lately, things have been a bit busy...

I guess Ill start with updates:

Jack:
-Huge. At his 6 month check up he was almost 17lbs, 27 inches and strong. He is a bit advanced physically because he can sit up unassisted, crawl and pull himself up onto things. (so Im busy chasing)
-Smart as hell. He knows if you call his name in a certain tone, he's not supposed to be doing something. So he looks up at you and does it anyways... gah, always testing the boundaries.
-Cutting his first tooth as we speak :)
-The love of my life. He is why I dont mind getting up at night and waking up at at 530 in the morning. Im exhausted, probably look like hell but I wouldnt have it any other way.

The Hubby:
-Long haul didnt work. Long Story, short - He was almost killed and Im happy to have him home.
-Providing for the family and being a fantasic father. He's falling into his roll quite nicely. It took a bit of practice and he still freaks out over poopey diapers but its all good :)

Me:
- The mess in the tank top and shorts all day, every day. LOL
-Starting to get the hang of the mothering deal.
-Starting a catering business on the side (Am I crazy?! Probably)

Well guess what. Im exhausted. Im going to bed. I promise to be here more often... promise

Warning [photo bomb]

The proud grandparents with Jack

Right after his bath

Rocking his new hat

Mommy and baby

Jack and cousin Rilee

so it's been a long time....

I'm sorry blog. I've been kinda busy.

Having a 11 week old keeps you on your toes... The only reason I'm typing is because little Jack is sleeping right now.2It's funny, somehow I thought I would magically be able to do everything the same as I did when i was pregnant. Wow, was I wrong.

EVERYTHING changes... but not for the bad either. I guess I should start with updates:

Jack:
-Now 12 weeks old and at his 2 month checkup he weighed 11lbs, 9 oz and is developing perfectly.
-At his 2 month (9 weeks, actually) check up, he got his first set of shots and was a trooper through them. He cried and then calmed down pretty quickly.
-at 10 weeks he was circumcised. Oh man... I never want to do that again. No more boys, my husband and I are in agreement about this. Honestly it was probably harder on us than it was on him but it was nerve wracking. The whole procedure only took about 20mins but 8 hours later we had to take the bandage off. Yes, us. We had to take the bandage off and it was hell. Im sure it was as painful to us as it was to him. Then it was 5 days of polysporin at every diaper change and he was good.

The Hubby:
-Got his Class 1 and is officially able to be a trucker! He was just offered a job with Reimer and we're just waiting on some paper work and we're good to go!

Me:
-adjusting to this "mom" thing.
It's time intensive, frustrating, sleep deprived, hard work, and I wouldnt change it for the world.

Busy, busy, busy...

Jack's first photo shoot @ 7 days old :)

Jack is now officially 15 days old. I must say, its been a blur. I feel so new to parenthood but at the same time, it feels so natural.

We got to go home after 4 days. The longest 4 days of my life...
My poor husband spent 3 uncomfortable nights in a pullout chair because he refused to leave baby and I alone. He was also just getting over a cold and developed an inner ear infection that gave him horrible vertigo. All that coupled with the 6 hours of sleep in 3 days, made a very sick hubby. I'm glad to say that he's much better now.
I barely slept the first day. Jack was born at 4:32 am and I had been up since 7 am the day before. I maybe had about 3 hours of sleep and because of the lack of sleep/rest my blood pressure had sky rocketed. My nurse had to kick people out of my room and the hubby had wheeled Jack into the lobby and was taking visitors there.
Because I was on labetalol during my pregnancy, Jack had been born with low blood sugar and needed an IV at birth. He was getting a constant stream of sugar until he was stable. Poor little guy... They were constantly piercing his heel to test his blood sugar. So much in fact that they were so bruised and scarred by the end of the stay I couldn't help feeling so bad for him. We also started the journey of breast feeding. It was a bit awkward having random nurses manhandle your breasts and a baby sucking on them until they hurt but anything for the baby, right? By day 2, Jack had straightened out his blood sugar issues but now had jaundice.

This is what happens when your baby has jaundice... Phototherapy! I called this his super hero bed. Jack was put on a UV light and the light breaks up the chemical in his body that turned him yellow.

Jacob Elias Nelson Herscovitch has arrived :)

So he made it here! :)

Friday January 6th at 4:32 am, weighing 7lbs 14oz, 21.5 inches long!

He's wonderful and the best baby I could ever ask for.

As you probably saw earlier I was induced due to my blood pressure spike.

It was a crazy day waiting for that phone call. We were up at 8 am and the waiting began.

9am

10am

11am

nothing.

12 noon

1pm

at 2 pm, we decided that it would be a good idea to call Dr, Lee's office to see what was going on.

I call and they that because I'm not the highest priority on the list I may be pushed back until the next day. She said if I wasn't called by 1 pm that was probably the case.

Phew.

That kind of gave us a bit of relief. It gave us a bit more breathing room and a little bit more time to be a couple. We thought we could spend the night cleaning as we both have been horribly sick. 

My poor husband and I were on the tail end of really bad head colds and felt like trucks ran over us.

We decided to run out, get a quick bite and pick up a few last minute treats.

So off we go... and then there it was

the phone call...

"hello?!"

" Hi Judy, It's Bev from womens hospital and you were on our list for induction today. We were wondering if you could come in?"

"now?!" 

(it was now 4:40 pm)

"well soonish, is that ok?"

" can I have about an hour?"

"of course! Just check in with admitting and we'll see you on the 2nd floor in a bit!"

I look at Charlie and ask

"are you ready?"

"as ready as I'll ever be.."

oh.god.oh.god.oh.god.oh.god.oh.god.

it's go time.

We got to the hospital and checked in.

Up to the 2nd floor we go.

I meet Bev and strip down to a hospital gown and get settled in a bed with Charlie at my side.

We meet the doctor and decide that Cervadil was my best bet for induction.

Cervadil is a little disc that is put behind the cervix to "ripen" it

It is now 6:30 pm.

At about 7:30, Esther comes by to visit and take us to the Cafeteria for dinner.

We take the walk to the main hospital and have a little dinner.

On the way back, I feel like I really need to pee and start leaking a bit.

We get back to the room and I tell the nurse this, 

she get me to put on a pad and asks me if my water broke.

Im a first time mom! How do I know?

Then my parents came.

So we visited a bit and then I kicked everyone out.

They told us the Cervadil usually takes anywhere from 12-24 hours to work.

There was no sense in anyone waiting round for that long, right?

Everyone leaves and then the nurse comes in to check on me.

She says that the next time I go to the bathroom, she's going to check my pad.

She was convinced that my water had broken.

... and she was right.

the on call doctor came in and confirmed it all.

She also did a check and I was now in active labor so it was time to move me to

labor and delivery wing!

Whoa.. it's really happening.

We got situated in our new room and waited...

contractions began to get stronger

and more painful.

Wow, really painful.

All the breathing in the world was not helping.

I was a real trooper up until this point.

She offered me options for pain.

Morphine or an epidural.

Or I could start with one and do the epidural later.

Morphine would take the edge off the pain but not cure it.

She advised me that if I wait too long for the epidural it might not work,

but I should also be far enough along that it wont crap out at the end.

I chose the morphine first and wanted to see if I could get through that way.

She was right, as soon as it kicked in I could immediately feel some relief.

It was do able. I could do this.

About an hour later, I started to progress really quickly.

and so did the pain.

I was offered the epidural again 

and put if off.

I wanted them to check how far along I was because if I was going to do it,

it had to last till the end.

So they checked and all were really surprised that I was about 5-6 cm dilated.

I was further along than they thought, so they epidural was a go.

While we were waiting the contractions were coming so hard and so fast

I didn't know if I could handle it.

I swear I was about to lose it.

He finally came in and I had to sit with my back toward him,

grab a pillow and not move.

A very hard thing to do when you're in that much pain.

But 

WOW 

was I glad I did. 

as soon as he put in that first hit of freezing it was instant relief.

I was so exhausted, all I wanted to do was rest.

and that's what I did.

They said when the pressure gets overwhelming that it would be time to push.

Only thing was, I was so used to the pain from before that

I was just breathing through pressure not realizing that 

it was go time.

They decided to check me and sure enough

fully dilated and effaced,

actually I was probably there about an hour ago.

Time to push.

Well I did it.

and 20 mins later,

we had the new love of our lives.

4:32 am

21.5 inches long

7lbs, 14 oz

and perfect.

From start to finish
9 hours
...So much for the 12-24 hour Cervadil.
They think that checking me that first time must have kick started labor for me.
Whatever did it,
thank you.

I've never been happier

So tomorrow it's going down!

It's official, I am on the induction list for tomorrow. That means little Jack could be here tomorrow!

I had another fetal assessment last Friday and baby was a bit sluggish. He wasn't feeling the morning appointment and didn't feel like moving for 40 mins. That being said, they scheduled me in again yesterday. Jack was quiet for a bit but perked up after about 20mins. It's funny, the techs have a way of making you very nervous by doing nothing at all.

Today was an appointment with the lovely Dr. Lee and with me getting sick (yup I have a lovely head cold) and my blood pressure still higher than what she wants, she suggested induction. So induction it is!

There's a million things going through my head....

Am I ready?
-well, is anyone every really ready?
Is chuck ready?
-He's more calm than I am, thank god. One of us has to be.
Scared?
-kinda, sorta.. more anxious than anything.

so that's my mini update... Im going to have dinner, take a nice warm shower and go to bed early. Tomorrow is going to be a long day :)